I abandoned the blog. I’ve not returned. Like a force of nature. Well that would be the ideal.
I decided to take myself and my research (book/laptop/pad/paper/pencils etc) to the Vietnamese restaurant close by. I sat there for 3 hours. Writing and thinking. I thought tonight would be a conclusion before Friday. Whoopsie. I just opened a whole other can of worms.
There is the feeling that I could have selected from so many things just like this, and dedicated time just like this, and felt I could go on forever and a day just like this.
What a bizarre thought. Is it all trivial? Is it really that important? It damn well feels important at the moment.
Sometimes it feels like week 2 (I never speak of week 1) was yesterday and other times like it was many moons passed. I have gained. Nothing concrete.
I received a message from a friend: “The research brain is so cool. Apart from stimulating all these ideas you actually grow brain synapses and stuff. Then you are literally smarter/your brain is bigger and you start remembering all this stuff you’d forgot because you have connected grey matter. Really!”
Well, I can’t say I am quite there. But I am truly enjoying real invested interest. Couldn’t be asked about assessment malarkey – not the point for me. I have had moments of feeling like a fraud. That my brain does not follow thought ideal processes or retain information or desire to make ‘ground-breaking’ work (whatever that is). Today I don’t care. Maybe I am a fraud. Maybe I’ll never truly understand/want to understand the millions of books with the same title (my apologies Dr Ellis – I haven’t really tried hard enough): “dance/practice/research/arts/practice/in the/dance/stage/arts/performance/research as/research in/practice/arts/dance/practice/practice/schmactice!
Everything in its time.
More to write.